About Last Night 1/2/2009
I really had a meltdown last night over where I went in my writing. I felt so bad about not including my sister in my attempt to escape the sexual abusers. I was 7 years old for gods' sake! I ended up crying over the whole thing. But it was a different type of crying. It wasn't the devastating type of crying with feelings of abandonment, incredulousness, despair...all the horrendous emotions felt by an abused child. This was sadness. I was crying because I was sad, grieving for myself, the 7-year old child. I was crying as an adult for the child I was. I also became suicidal for a very brief amount of time. I was thinking again of ways to do it. Then I realized that I just wanted to hurt myself physically to make the pain go away. It wasn't about suicide at all, it was substituting physical pain to cover up emotional pain. And then I got angry. Why was I the one to suffer pain again for the betrayal of my neglectful Nmother!?! I believe this was another turning point for me. For awhile, I thought I needed to call my daughter to come over and talk to me, to prevent me from doing anything stupid. I actually pictured myself crying on her shoulder. However, reality required that I realize that that wouldn't happen. I know my daughter well, that's not what she would do. Then I got mad, as I said. This allowed me to go to bed finally to sleep. I have woken up this morning feeling depressed and in physical pain. My head hurts. I spent most of the time since waking up reading Anna Valerious's blog and getting ready to write some more for myself. I do know that I will not consider suicide again! I am going to continue to work on this and become a healthy human being. I am going to live, and live well. It's the best revenge.
A New Year 1/1/2009
Today is New Year's Day. A beginning of a different type of year in my life-one where I am not burdened by old rage and pain.
The "holiday" period is almost over and school will begin again on Monday. I am very glad to be going back. I have much to accomplish in the remainder of the school year. I am not making "resolutions." They are too easy to break and lead only to more bad feelings about one's self. What I am doing is something my therapist and I touched on at the end of our therapy session last week.
It was a very intense session. We covered so much territory that I wish I had taken notes. One of the things was the discussion I mentioned with my daughter about weight loss - where she said that I didn't have anything I cared enough about to live for. Somehow this became a discussion about the way I never put myself first. I don't see myself as worthy of being taken care of, even by myself. His theory is that if I were on a bus taken over by terrorists who would let everyone go if they could just kill one person, I would volunteer! I had to laugh, because I could see myself sacrificing myself to let a child live if that were the choice. What I didn't tell him is that someone who knows me recently said that if one of my students needed a kidney, I would probably give one of mine. I can't remember if it was one of my daughters or one of the teachers I work with! This comes about from being raised by my Nmother with a "who do you think you are?" attitude. My needs never came first with her about anything. Neglect was a general way of life. Everything was done only at her convenience or for her reasons. My emotional well being was never even on her horizon. Everything was always and only about her- whatever attention she could suck out of any situation. I think I am indeed going back and start writing my stories based on the characteristics of the Malignant Narcissist. I'm not feeling the rage that I used too, but I am definitely tensing up just writing this much. Perhaps I'm not as calm and at peace as I thinks.
I found an interesting article this eventing while reading Anna Valerious's blog. The link she referenced about forgiveness no longer worked. It did take me to Yahoo Health where I searched the article title. Nothing came up for the author she referenced, but I did find an article by Deepak Chopra titled "Abuse and Forgiveness." It discusses the healing process and finding peace. The part I liked best was:
When we have successfully mourned our losses, we are not just pretending things are OK, we are OK. We have not excused the abuser, we have finally outgrown our participation in that relationship and moved into a more powerful, loving self in the present.
Now, this does not mean that we voluntarily participated in the relationship-there is no blaming the victim in this article. It is a guidepost to a goal - having a loving self in the present. This is what I want for myself, to be a loving self for myself.
He also talked about mourning as an adult for our loss, rather than "...justify your anger and hurt as long as you relive it from the perspective of the child who experienced what you shouldn’t have had to experience. Now that you have survived and are grown up, these feelings can finally come up to be healed. "
This actually ties back to another part of the conversation with my therapist. I told him that I have had this fantasy of cloning myself and raising me over. That is, allowing myself to grow up with a mother who cherished me for myself and nurtured my gifts, which were many, but ignored, ridiculed and quashed as I grew up.
He says I can do this. I need to nourish the child within. The neglected, abused, hurt, scared, lonely bewildered child that I was. Tears are coming to my eyes as I write this. I told him I have an image of that child, somewhere around the age of seven, in my head whenever I think of myself as a child. This was also the age I was when, through my Nmother's neglect, both my younger sister and I were sexually abused by the sons of the man she was living with. I remember being so afraid of her that I couldn't tell her about it, but trying to get her protection anyway. I look at that sentence and know that I couldn't have possibly thought that she'd protect me from those monsters, but I was trying to get her to take me with her and my youngest sister rather than leave us with those monsters. I realize that I gave no thought to my younger sister, even though I was aware that the same things were happening to her too, and she was only 5. We were already such a dysfunctional family that we didn't relate to each well at all. And here I am feeling guilty at this time for not doing my mother's job of protecting my younger sister when I was trying to get her to protect me. I have got to talk to the therapist about this one. Why am I feeling bad about this? Is this where the denial of self comes from? From this guilt?
I am feeling really sick at this point. I think I have to stop. I don't want to eat. I want a drink. And I don't drink. So much for peace and calm.
The "holiday" period is almost over and school will begin again on Monday. I am very glad to be going back. I have much to accomplish in the remainder of the school year. I am not making "resolutions." They are too easy to break and lead only to more bad feelings about one's self. What I am doing is something my therapist and I touched on at the end of our therapy session last week.
It was a very intense session. We covered so much territory that I wish I had taken notes. One of the things was the discussion I mentioned with my daughter about weight loss - where she said that I didn't have anything I cared enough about to live for. Somehow this became a discussion about the way I never put myself first. I don't see myself as worthy of being taken care of, even by myself. His theory is that if I were on a bus taken over by terrorists who would let everyone go if they could just kill one person, I would volunteer! I had to laugh, because I could see myself sacrificing myself to let a child live if that were the choice. What I didn't tell him is that someone who knows me recently said that if one of my students needed a kidney, I would probably give one of mine. I can't remember if it was one of my daughters or one of the teachers I work with! This comes about from being raised by my Nmother with a "who do you think you are?" attitude. My needs never came first with her about anything. Neglect was a general way of life. Everything was done only at her convenience or for her reasons. My emotional well being was never even on her horizon. Everything was always and only about her- whatever attention she could suck out of any situation. I think I am indeed going back and start writing my stories based on the characteristics of the Malignant Narcissist. I'm not feeling the rage that I used too, but I am definitely tensing up just writing this much. Perhaps I'm not as calm and at peace as I thinks.
I found an interesting article this eventing while reading Anna Valerious's blog. The link she referenced about forgiveness no longer worked. It did take me to Yahoo Health where I searched the article title. Nothing came up for the author she referenced, but I did find an article by Deepak Chopra titled "Abuse and Forgiveness." It discusses the healing process and finding peace. The part I liked best was:
When we have successfully mourned our losses, we are not just pretending things are OK, we are OK. We have not excused the abuser, we have finally outgrown our participation in that relationship and moved into a more powerful, loving self in the present.
Now, this does not mean that we voluntarily participated in the relationship-there is no blaming the victim in this article. It is a guidepost to a goal - having a loving self in the present. This is what I want for myself, to be a loving self for myself.
He also talked about mourning as an adult for our loss, rather than "...justify your anger and hurt as long as you relive it from the perspective of the child who experienced what you shouldn’t have had to experience. Now that you have survived and are grown up, these feelings can finally come up to be healed. "
This actually ties back to another part of the conversation with my therapist. I told him that I have had this fantasy of cloning myself and raising me over. That is, allowing myself to grow up with a mother who cherished me for myself and nurtured my gifts, which were many, but ignored, ridiculed and quashed as I grew up.
He says I can do this. I need to nourish the child within. The neglected, abused, hurt, scared, lonely bewildered child that I was. Tears are coming to my eyes as I write this. I told him I have an image of that child, somewhere around the age of seven, in my head whenever I think of myself as a child. This was also the age I was when, through my Nmother's neglect, both my younger sister and I were sexually abused by the sons of the man she was living with. I remember being so afraid of her that I couldn't tell her about it, but trying to get her protection anyway. I look at that sentence and know that I couldn't have possibly thought that she'd protect me from those monsters, but I was trying to get her to take me with her and my youngest sister rather than leave us with those monsters. I realize that I gave no thought to my younger sister, even though I was aware that the same things were happening to her too, and she was only 5. We were already such a dysfunctional family that we didn't relate to each well at all. And here I am feeling guilty at this time for not doing my mother's job of protecting my younger sister when I was trying to get her to protect me. I have got to talk to the therapist about this one. Why am I feeling bad about this? Is this where the denial of self comes from? From this guilt?
I am feeling really sick at this point. I think I have to stop. I don't want to eat. I want a drink. And I don't drink. So much for peace and calm.
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