About Last Night 1/2/2009

I really had a meltdown last night over where I went in my writing. I felt so bad about not including my sister in my attempt to escape the sexual abusers. I was 7 years old for gods' sake! I ended up crying over the whole thing. But it was a different type of crying. It wasn't the devastating type of crying with feelings of abandonment, incredulousness, despair...all the horrendous emotions felt by an abused child. This was sadness. I was crying because I was sad, grieving for myself, the 7-year old child. I was crying as an adult for the child I was. I also became suicidal for a very brief amount of time. I was thinking again of ways to do it. Then I realized that I just wanted to hurt myself physically to make the pain go away. It wasn't about suicide at all, it was substituting physical pain to cover up emotional pain. And then I got angry. Why was I the one to suffer pain again for the betrayal of my neglectful Nmother!?! I believe this was another turning point for me. For awhile, I thought I needed to call my daughter to come over and talk to me, to prevent me from doing anything stupid. I actually pictured myself crying on her shoulder. However, reality required that I realize that that wouldn't happen. I know my daughter well, that's not what she would do. Then I got mad, as I said. This allowed me to go to bed finally to sleep. I have woken up this morning feeling depressed and in physical pain. My head hurts. I spent most of the time since waking up reading Anna Valerious's blog and getting ready to write some more for myself. I do know that I will not consider suicide again! I am going to continue to work on this and become a healthy human being. I am going to live, and live well. It's the best revenge.