Merry (?) Christmas

So it's almost Christmas. I've been doing much reading and thinking. My therapist was interested in my research and wrote down the names of the blogs. Unfortunately, he is moving his office to a place far enough away that it is going to be difficult for me to get there. Unless of course, I can have late appointments with him. I don't want to give up therapy. It's going into the dark of the year, and January and February have always been difficult months for me. I have an appointment Wednesday, so I can find out more then.

My daughter is out shopping for Christmas presents with my Nmother. Just a quick description of a typical manipulative event. I asked my daughter to pick up a small shop vac for me at Wal-Mart. My Nmother called me to say that she had two and I could take one of those instead. I simply said, "No. Just tell her to get me what I asked for." Nmother was offended and hung-up. My daughter called me later to describe the ones in the store to make sure I got what I wanted. She said that the Nmother sulked for about 5 minutes and then said, "She really hates me, doesn't she." Because I didn't want her used machine that she wouldn't know where it was, or where all the parts were! This is so typical of her manipulation. I just have to shake my head and laugh! or just smile anyway. She'll be offended when I see her next and make snide remarks about it. What a pleasant prospect for Christmas!

My daughter is talking about taking the whole family into a new eating mode. We were actually discussing this over at the parentals' house last night. She said something that I keep thinking about. She said that she was losing weight because she wanted a husband and more children and she needs to be thin to attract the type of man she wants. This looks worse in writing than it does when she said it. She also said that I didn't have anything that I cared enough about to want to lose weight for and live. She doesn't think I'll live to see 70. I didn't tell her that I think that's true also. But it could be that she's right. I'm accepting of the prospect of death. It doesn't scare me. It will be an end to pain and loneliness. I'm wondering if maybe I'm falling back into depression in spite of my medication. I think I will discuss this with my therapist. Am I calm, or numb? There is a great distinction.