NMother Angst

Thanksgiving went surprising well. I spent a lot of the week reading and researching. I also slept a lot. But I just found out that I missed a therapy appointment! I forgot to put it in my phone calendar. What's even worse, that week I found myself thinking that I should have scheduled an appointment in order to prepare for Thanksgiving, totally not remembering that I had an appointment. Now I need to call and make a new one. What a mess!

I am reading Anna Valerious' blog in chronological order. It is really interesting to see how her following has built. I am interested in the ACON group also. I am going to try to find it online.

Thanksgiving day went well because I didn't go over until late in the afternoon until just before dinner. I had brought a pie over the day before, so that was my contribution. It ended up that I didn't have to help with anything. Libby and the Nmother did it all. There were a surprising amount of photos taken also. Libby told me later that Nmother thinks my dad is starting a downward spiral, thus all the photos. After dinner, I took my grandchildren out to look for Christmas lights. I do remember in past years that a lot of lights were up already. Not this year, though. Then I just went home. I did talk to both my other daughters as well. Christy went to the traditional NY dinner with the family. Katie ended up not going for the first time since she was born. Her new husband, Brennan had the opportunity to move to a location in Salisbury, instead of an hour drive away, but the new boss wanted him to work on Black Friday. So they had dinner with Brennan's mother and father who don't make a big deal out of it, just dinner. Katie has told me since that she made them celebrate with her and do some fun stuff. Maybe next year she can take them to the family thanksgiving in NY.

So, my dad is sick again. This time it's pneumonia for real. All the other times have been complications from emphysema. The Nmother thinks that he's started a downward spiral. When I said that I had been thinking of telling my other 2 daughters that it's time to come visit again, she just gave me one of those contemptuous looks. There has been a lot of complaining about the two little ones. I think Libby is about to be driven out. I give it 6 months there at the most. Thank god she is finally working full time and for decent money. Although she and my dad got along just fine while the Nmother was gone, now that she's back the atmosphere in the house is getting poisonous again.

I realalize I'm avoiding talking about the latest incident with the Nmother. Today, I went to pick up the little ones for the day by 9 a.m. Because my car has broken seat belts and I don't want to invest $200 in them right now, I have been using their cars to take the children. It's a fair trade. They want the kids out of the house, so they need to lend me a car. I was standing between her car and my dad's, having just gotten the car seats out and some papers I had left in her car when she began to back up. She almost ran over my left foot. And of course, instead of apologizing or asking if I was okay, she just sat and glared at me like it was my fault! So typical! I went back in the house and told my dad what had happened. Since she wasn't there, he expressed anger at her lack of ..anything I guess. I made a point of telling him I was really pissed off about it, as that is the foot that I have more problems with, aside from the fact that the other one still is in a "boot" since I broke it 6 weeks ago. When I took the kids back after skating in the afternoon, I just gave them back to their mother and left, didn't even go in the house. Nmother wasn't there anyway. Just as well.

I feel it is unfortunate that my daughter and grandchildren are living there with them. I would prefer even less contact than I have now, but I end up going over there for the kids. I did initiate the No Contact once upon a time, many years ago. Unfortunately, I didn't know what I was doing it for, and was terribly burdened by rage and the dominating presence that she was able to hold over my life. The NC period lasted at least 3 years. Maybe longer. I can't really remember. I had talked things over a bit with my father before I instituted it. He actually precipitated a meltdown that I had at a "Singles" group therapy meeting. He came over to tell me about an incident my nephew complained to him about. Seems she got angry at him and started hitting him about the head, screaming and raging at him. My father came over to ask me if I knew anything about her behaving like this. I looked at him and said,"Where the hell were you when we were growing up!" Which led to a further conversation about a lot of incidents in my childhood. I asked him if he had known that my sister and I had been molested by the teen-age sons of the man she was shacking up with while they were separated. He said no. It led to even more conversation. I found out that my father had been sexually assaulted also when he was a child. He said that he had received therapy when he was in the Air Force. In all, this hour long conversation was probably the most honest I ever had with my father about my Nmother. Later that week, on Mother's Day, was the the meltdown at the group. I remember crying and saying how much I hated her. An older woman in the group kept telling me I only had 1 mother and I shouldn't talk that way. Totally denying my feelings! I don't think I ever went back to that group. I am sure that I did go back to therapy. I think it was for the sexual abuse. That was very good for me. I made a lot of recovery there. Just not with the issues of the Nmother. This was the time when I quit speaking to my mother or going to her house. Since she lived catty-corner to my house, avoiding her was difficult, but I managed it. I do remember a freedom during that time period, but I never dealt with her abuse, mental, emotional and physical that she inflicted upon me and my sister in our childhood. I am going to have to try to figure out the time line of all this. It bothers me that I can't remember the time frame. I do know that when we eventually did regain contact, it was on my part, and she to this day has never asked me why!

Time to go away and think.