So Today is Thanksgiving.

I've been thinking a great deal since my last writing. I've finally gone over the Parental's house since the Nmother came back from MD. She's spoken to me exactly once since she got back, and that was a nasty toned phone call looking for Libby. Didn't inquire about how I was doing with my broken leg or anything else, just nastiness. However, I went over last Saturday to pick up my grandchildren's scooters so they could have them for the park. She was nicer than she has ever been, kissed me on the cheek which she never does and complimented me on my haircut. Who was this person? However, she immediately went on to talk about her haircut and how fabulous it was. Then, during a conversation about Thanksgiving dinner, when I said that Libby had mentioned that she would be willing to cook the turkey, the real Nmother snapped, "As long as she does it my way!"

I am maintaining a calmness that feels real, not forced indifference, not forced non reaction. I am not even nauseous about going over there. It's only for a short time and I will leave as soon as possible. My plan is to go over and take my grandkids out to the park for awhile. I will probably make the mashed potatoes like I usually do. After dinner I intend to help with the clean up. Then, I'm going to suggest that Libby and the kids and I go out looking at Christmas Lights. It's a great way to get out of the house and the kids and I really enjoy the lights. I have a plan for dealing with this day. My therapist will be pleased to hear it.

I have been reading more of Anna Valerious' blog. Today, I got to the roll of the father as an "enabler" (my label, not hers) and it really struck home. Until just recently, I have held my father as blameless, indeed, another victim. I no longer think so. I think I began to come to this realization 5 years ago when I moved out of their home.

I had been living with them since my move to Fort Worth in July 2001. I could not afford to live out on my own at the time, I thought, so I stayed with them in their apartment in Arlington. Then we decided to buy a house in Fort Worth to make it easier for me as the travel to my school was really stressful. I thought I was buying part of the house - led on by my Nmother- until it was time for settlement, when it turned out that she had never (?) mentioned it to my father. This is part of the Nmother's mode of operation. No one talks to anyone else except through her. Anyway, after about a year and a half, she was actively harassing me and exerting control and territory. My agreed-upon space was no longer my own. My bathroom was "the community" bathroom. They were "down to one bedroom." Although I paid 1/3 of the mortgage, and 1/2 of the utilities there was indirect commentary about how they were supporting me. She actually raised her hand to me several times. The final straw was when she snapped a towel at me and hit me in the face. When I said that I would appreciate it if she never did anything like that again, she said she didn't know it would hit me. I decided I needed to find my own apartment. When I told my father of the incident, he said,"That's bullshit!" I wasn't sure exactly what he was saying to me. I thought it was a condemnation of her behavior. Much later, I realized he was denying what I said!

He was always a distant father. My Nmother always turned her abuse to him as soon as he walked into the house at the end of the day. I believed that he didn't know how she treated us. He actually said so at one time. Now I think he turned a blind eye.

So were does that leave me? Fatherless as well as motherless. Which I think I have known, but suppressed the knowledge. Anna Valerious' article on this subject is at this link: Dad--Mom's Evil Henchman. It has helped crystallize my thinking on this topic, although I am not done yet.

My children actually have better relationships with my parentals than I do. Or did have. Katie is no longer a favored grandchild to them. Christy still is temporarily, but as soon as she turns into a high-priced, high powered lawyer, she no longer will be either. My two younger children are very successful, which my Nmother can't stand and so they are on her shit-list. Libby is still living with them and somewhat dependent on them for help with the little ones. She is resisting the Nmother's control attempts however, and her son Wayne is almost 8 years old. This is significant. I have heard repeated comments through my life about how the Nmother doesn't like children once they've turned 8. The first time I distinctly remember this comment being made, I was around 11 or 12, and the remark was made with a "meaningful look" directly at me. What a thing to say to your own child.

I am thinking that maybe I need to try to write in a more structured manner. Maybe I will go back to my earlier idea of writing on the list of topic descriptions in the description of a Narcissist. A series of essays perhaps.

Time to go away and think some more.